For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
