Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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