My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
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If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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