anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
