You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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