I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
