I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I will be naked everywhere
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
