OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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