I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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