the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
