Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
