Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize
