Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
