i need an iv and a liver transplant
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
