there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
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Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
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You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize