I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
