No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
