They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
