Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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