you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
