went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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