there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
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It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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