I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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