Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
only you would photoshop your dick
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
