nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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