i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
