How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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