she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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