I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need a beard to bite.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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