I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
