Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
