Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
