I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
