By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
