Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
