I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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