so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
