so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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