Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
