then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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