hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
