god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
