left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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