i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Please, let me fuck your mom
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
