there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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