It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
