it's too hot outside to masturbate.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
