'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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