Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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