we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
