They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
