Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
