I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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