So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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