Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
