Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
